Do You Need Safer Relationships?

When I first started as a therapist I struggled to find my footing and feel secure in my new profession. I didn’t realize it right away but it turns out I was going through something that almost everyone does at some point in their life: Imposter Syndrome. A person feeling imposter syndrome will typically experience self-doubt or insecurity in their abilities brought on by transitioning into a new role. In a person’s internal narrative, this might sound like thoughts such as: ● “Am I really good at this?” ● “Is this really where I belong?” ● “Am I doing this right?” ● “Am I making a difference?” This type of thinking arises for many people. At times it may cause anxiety that can lead to unhelpful behaviors. Let’s take some time to run through the most common negative reactions and positive alternatives to manage these anxieties. Putting Up Defenses Defensiveness is a normal reaction given the fact that you’ve likely worked really hard to get where you are. It’s crazy how a simple question like, ”how old are you?”, can set this into motion. Defending does not typically allow for growth, it’s often a band aid on insecurity. Antidote: Be Honest with Yourself and Others Despite the urge to defend I would encourage you to welcome the questions and validate the concern behind them. I’ve learned through experience that others care less about what you’ve done and more about whether you’re willing to acknowledge an age gap or be honest when put on the spot. One of my newer go to responses is “It makes sense that you’d ask that question. I want to ensure you feel secure in our work together and although I can’t promise that, I’m hopeful that that might be something that would come with time”. I can try to defend my schooling, talent, and list the training I’ve been to but I’d recommend when the urge to defend shows up, set it to the side to acknowledge the feeling that might be behind the question being asked. Feeling Lost There are often moments with imposter syndrome where our mind questions our abilities and instincts. This can lead to uncertainty with direction and wavering with decision making. With anything new in life a lack of clarity can occur. Feeling directionless can often leave us playing it too safe or unsure of what our next move should be. Antidote: Mentorship In moments when you are really struggling with feeling like you are fumbling through I would encourage you to seek out mentorship. Find someone who has been in the role you are currently in for a long time. You will likely be pleased to discover they once went through exactly what you are experiencing now. These connections not only make you feel less alone but can be valuable opportunities to learn and bond with people around you. Insecurity At times we can struggle with our confidence when in a new role. This can look like self-doubt or second guessing. This can be an internal battle but it is often visible to those we interact with within our new role. Despite urges to keep this feeling internal there can be useful ways to express what’s going on to be able to move forward. Antidote: Seek Candid Feedback One of the ways to know how you’re doing and learn from mistakes is to ask for feedback. This was a mistake I made in the first few months of being a therapist. I thought that at times asking for input made me look like I lacked confidence. In reality getting client’s feedback and input has made me feel more secure in being able to meet needs and tailor what I do to be more beneficial. I encourage you to ask for feedback even when it’s uncomfortable and look to others for input and run with it to make small changes day by day. Over the course of time this can make a big difference in gaining confidence and feeling secure. Some people like to use the phrase “fake it til you make it”. When imposter syndrome shows up anxiety or at times panic are normal reactions and responses that most people experience, you don’t have to hide this or fake confidence. Instead of allowing these feelings to manifest as unhelpful behaviors, be honest about where you’re at, seek out support, and elicit feedback that will help you make changes along the way. Rachel Schelhaas, LMSW is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. Rachel enjoys working with clients to increase their insight and understanding of themselves in order to bring their best self to the relationships that matter most. In her spare time you can catch Rachel going for long walks, cooking a tasty meal, reading an audio book, or searching for unique finds at the thrift store.

I can’t set a boundary with my mom. I can’t run a 5K. I can’t go to the grocery store alone. These are examples of typical statements we say to ourselves, likely even several times a day. Even though the content can vary depending on the person, the end result is the same. The typical statements above, if said often enough contribute to even more negative self-thoughts. These negative thoughts can make us feel stuck if left unchecked. Negative thoughts prevent us from seeing new possibilities in our life and get in the way of making changes. One of the things that can help us get unstuck is to change our mindset by changing the words we say to ourselves. Since we’re the person we spend the most time with, it is important to speak to ourselves the same way we would want others to speak to us. To foster a change in these thoughts, it needs to be habitual, consistent, and reliable self-talk. This may be difficult at first as we tend to ignore how limiting and impactful our negative thoughts can be. Sometimes one small change in the words we say to ourselves can open our minds to the possibility that the way we speak to ourselves has a large impact on the way we feel. This impact can even help us define our goals more clearly and create a clearer image of who we really are or strive to be. Sometimes our goals are specific: I want to run a 5K for the Halloween Fun Run. Sometimes they start broader: I want to increase my self-esteem. I’ve found that often before we even start to act on the goals and develop a plan, we need to tackle the obstacles, in this case, the negative phrases that we tell ourselves, each day such as: I’m not a good guitar player. I’m not a good conversationalist. I’ve never had a good relationship. My challenge for you is to open your mind to the possibility that the words we say impact the way we grow and change. The first step is to convince your brain to open the door to these foreign words that can strengthen our confidence to change. When I work with clients, sometimes they will voice self-limiting phrases that they believe to be 100% true At the end of their statement, I’ll pause, and gently add the word, ‘yet’. They often smile and recognize that the stuck feeling they feel ends as soon as see the choice between ‘never’ and ‘yet’. That even though things feel overwhelming and impossible now, there is a potential that things could be different, maybe even better down the road. Here's my trick and your challenge. Add the word YET at the end of your negative thought: I can’t set a boundary with my mom. YET. I can’t run a 5K. YET. I can’t go to the grocery store alone. YET. I’m not a good guitar player. YET. I’m not a good conversationalist. YET. I’ve never had a good relationship. YET. Does that feel different? This small change gives your brain the message that another option is possible, and it has the potential for big change. That you can experience a different outcome by changing or adding a word. That you aren’t stuck in always being the same, forever. Once your brain believes that a different thought is even possible, you can start to explore new options and how you’re going to get there. It is a kinder, more compassionate, more patient way of gently reminding yourself that growth is possible every day. Then you’ll be able to catch yourself more regularly, changing your negative thoughts to more hopeful and compassionate ones. What thought are you going to add the word ‘yet’ to? Your homework for the week is to catch yourself thinking a negative self-thought. Then add the word ‘yet’ and see what happens. This small change is the minimum amount that you deserve. You are worth making this change and adding more self-kindness into your life. It’s a small change that will add up to big possibilities. Now get started on loving yourself the way you would love others.  Jen Hutchings, Ph.D, LMFT is a Therapist and Clinical Supervisor at Restore Therapy Collective. Jen started Restore as as way to help clients heal and grow through struggles in their life by connecting them with excellent, caring therapists. In her free time, Jen hangs out with with family and friends, snuggles her pets, and is always on the search for the perfect cup of tea.